Sins & Judgement
Originally this was going to be a lore rant.
I decided against it for the time being. Soon enough, I'm sure, I will speak on my origins - nonhumanity wise - with many disclaimers such as 'don't worship me' and 'it is in your best interest to take this as make-believe'. It's tiring. I don't want to hold the leash to people's collars who'll simply hang onto my every word parasocially.
What? You thought I enjoyed that? Sure, as a narcissist I have my moments. But I'd much rather people love me for me, knowing me as best they can, rather than an empty shell they can fill with fantasies. I'm not a medium for you to project your dream woman onto. To quote, well, myself: "I'm no goddess."
I could go on and on, and eventually I'd start contradicting myself. Because I'm mentally ill. I want to be loved passionately and unabashedly, at the end of the day. I do want people to hang on my every word. I want to tell them to jump and they ask "how high?"
...But those thoughts are from an unhealed, deeply traumatized part of myself. So, hey, no matter how much I tempt you, ignore this siren's call, okay? We should all strive for healthy love. It'll do us better in the long run.
I have a long rant about co-dependence sitting in my commonplace book that I might upload onto here. Probably not.
Anyway, before I say more and people think I "regressed" (I haven't. It's, in fact, incredibly healthy of me to know I fantasize about control and put limits on myself and others to make sure I do not damage myself or them. I do it so obsessively that, at times, I grow paranoid for no reason and my partners, especially Sybil, hello Sybil!, have to remind me that I am not controlling them simply by dating them), this rant has nothing to do with romantic love or relationships or parasociality or my nonhumanity. I just wanted to tease a future entry.
So... what is this one about?
I'm reading an incredibly interesting manga today. I see the main character as a total son figure... He fights for what is right, and it's endearing to see. However, I burst into tears while reading it due to its' intense and accurate depictions of abuse. He doesn't go through the particular type that makes me cry, fortunately. I don't think I could handle it. It would break me. But his friend does, and that already hurts a part of me. Poor things. Anyway... he's going down a dark path. It's making me anxious. It's early in its' publication so I don't know what's going to become of this precious child I could only hope to raise myself, so that he would know not to walk down that murky and dirty road...
Ah, if it isn't clear, I've been suffering from intense baby fever recently. My friend, bless her heart, had a pregnancy scare a week ago. Fortunately, she was fine, her monthly just came late. Still, she was planning on getting rid of the poor thing, which I fully supported as a good friend should. She's not in any place to give birth nor raise a child, and I don't think it would've survived in her belly. Still, she said if she couldn't get rid of it, or if it didn't die in her belly, or if it wasn't a false alarm, she would give me her child because "I've seen how much you love children, and you're much more fit to be a mom than I am."
It made me terribly emotional. We cried together. I love her dearly. I really want to have a child. Three, preferably. Two adopted, one biological. I want to give them each 4 names, their given name, a middle name, a name from their cultural background / of the father's background for the biological one (With extensive research into said cultures, of course), and a special Nahuatl nickname. I want my children to know how badly I wanted them in this world. I want them to know I've dreamed of having them in my arms, of raising them. I want them to know I'd give them my everything, and I'm sorry for the mistakes I'll make, because we're both learning. I jot down everything my mom has done that has altered me so I can do better - I know she tried her best, I am too. I want to sing them lullabies. I want to hold their hands in grocery stores even when they're my age. I want them to explore their identities and I can help them pick new names all over again. I want to love them as much as I can.
I started getting misty-eyed, so I'm ending this here. Blessings for our future generations. They're more loved than they know.