Hair & Other Connections to The World
A Conversation Between My Mother & I
"Mami, Grandma left you some chocolate there... do you want it?
Can I have it?"
'Didn't she give you any?'
"Yes, well... one."
'Then why would you ask?'
"You're right." [Exit]
[She calls me back] 'You can have it.'
"Do you want any?"
'Just a bite.'
A Conversation Between My Step-Father & I
'Did you take my tablet's charger?
"Yes, to charge the laptop -
'How could you be so sneaky and selfish? I was clearly using it.'
"I thought it had been charging a while. Forgive me."
[I unplug it, carefully as he is meticulous about his things]
'...How long do you have left on the task?'
"About 20 minutes..."
'Just give me it when you're done.'
"Thank you."
They can be harsh people, but I hope it shows they love me. They answer most my selfish whims, after all. I hope they know I notice their warmth. This is poetry to me. Those short moments there. I translated what they said quite literally.
I suppose familial ties are one connection to the world. While doing my homework, a clump of my hair fell out and I threw it (flushed it) quickly - I feel ashamed of myself for stress I can't control.
My hair is one of my greatest prides. "It has so much volume, it's so thick and shiny." "I've never seen such shiny and well-kept hair." "Your hair grows so fast." "I'd love to have your hair."
I take it for granted, at times. My hair is pin-straight, not a curl to be seen. It upsets me, as I wish it was wavier and more... I don't know? Fantastical? I'm selfish and greedy to the bone. I always want, want, want, want, want. I can never be happy with what I have in any manner. I suppose that's how I push people away.
Still, like I said, it's one of the things I'm most proud of. I try to maintain and take very good care of it. You can tell when I've been lethargic and depressed because it gets greasy. I want it to grow as long as it can.
I'm sorry for the stress I'm putting you through. I'm sorry I cut you when I shouldn't have. I'm sorry I tie you up when I clean and you just want to give me a hug. I'm sorry you hold my memories. I'm sorry I bleached you when it was so painful. I'm sorry I used to have the habit of twirling on you and tugging you. I'm sorry I'm always using you to draw pictures in the shower. I'm sorry you bring me joy. I'm sorry I don't use silk pillowcases for your benefit. I'm sorry I used to gnaw on you. I'm sorry you get in my mouth when I walk home. I'm sorry I don't love you as much as I should. I'm sorry you're my joy. I'm sorry for all the times I've had to pull you back so I wouldn't get sickness all over you. I'm sorry I'm thinking of cutting you when I said I'd grow you out. I'm sorry for wishing the impossible of you. I'm sorry for wishing I could change you beyond your limits. I'm sorry for not being careful. I'm sorry for being dirty. I'm sorry for not eating as much vegetables as I should.
I love you for staying. I love you for being the only one I have. I love you for giving me a way to move on. I love you for the ways I can decorate you. I love you for your shininess. I love you because you were part of my mom. I love you for being born with me. I love you for giving me my first compliment. I love you for protecting me. I love you for letting me know when I'm not okay. I love you for giving me something to do with my hands. I love you for giving me countless memories. I love you for letting me bond with others. I love you for growing back so quickly for me. I love you more than I show. I love you I'm so proud of who we've grown into. I love you for giving me a way to hide my tearstained face. I love you for making me feel clean. I love you for being a reminder to take care of myself. I love you because my friends recognize me through you. I love you even when you get in my mouth. I love you for keeping me warm even when I don't appreciate it.
I should wash my hair tonight.