Today.
Hello. I haven't updated this in quite some time.
I wish to make a new blog. But I suppose that shouldn't happen with the -
I wrote sorrow, tears, pain, hurt, regret, dread, and so many other words. None fit.
- heaviness in my heart.
That word doesn't fit either.
A wonder, somehow, someway, will this reach somewhere? Likely not. If it does: I'm sorry.
I asked my Mother to take me to the store. I could not tell her I was celebrating? Grieving? It doesn't matter, because I got what I needed, and I ate it even though it was salty. I could not remember what flavor I had promised. To You, my promises are surely meaningless. To Me? Well, I suppose they had some merit, if I got it today. Not as much merit as I wanted this year. It was [[...]] flavor.
9 months. Isn't that a useless symbol. At first, I was rather calm. It was a feeling of, well, the mind was unaware and the heart was ignorant - hoping that a genuine view of affection would keep what mattered next to the body's side. Evidently, I was a blind mole rat. Ugly, festering jealousy. Painful hands wringing Your neck. If a timeline were made, it'd be all over the place - from denial (of Your departure, not of anything else) to re-realization.
Maybe You see me as I am, not what I want to believe. I'm blind - yet the thought of casting judgement on you has never once crossed. All I've ever wished for is my dreams would leave You out of them. You and Them.
When They crossed paths with Me, I felt relieved. For some very silly reason, I felt relieved. I suppose because Their happiness might be synonymous with Yours in my mind. Is it? Believe Me, I try not to encroach. What You want is what is necessary. Needed.
The lack of anything is what makes me write this, that is the thought within the cage of the mind. You are not watching. My eyes have shut on you a long while ago. The eyes are closed but the brain continues whirring.
Writing this, my ears began feeling burnt and flooded. Maybe because this shouldn't be written. The nose is stuffed - though that's the result of fur allergies. Maybe because this shouldn't be written. I sneezed just before the clock hit midnight, likely due to fur allergies. Maybe because this shouldn't be written.
This morning, the body awoke at 11. Just a mere hour ago, I watched the clock hit 11 - then 11:11 - while watching a lost friend stream. We met again, after two years.
That likely won't be our fate. As was told to Them - You hold the deck of cards now. You will do them right, You know You will.
No longer can I listen to Asking Star without a reaction. Typically remorseful, sorrowful. You likely don't think of it at all. Or the notebooks, the doodles, the plans. I got rid of all of it. The messages are up due to regret. Let me tell you - opening a credit card is harder than I thought. Though, it was learned that I don't want to anymore. I told Them back then - no longer am I comfortable c...ling. <- That word that was once used so often, a crux of an identity, hasn't been used in 7 months.
May all be well. Maybe in my dream I'll be able to congratulate you. Though, if I don't, that'll be better for You.
"I didn't know what I should say... Hide my face and turn away.
The killing act at the end of a play - See it through tomorrow."